autonomy

[cosmolinguist]

I realized that one of the things I'm finding really strange, in the absolute sea of strangeness that I've pushed myself into, is that yes I have fearsome tasks of bureaucracy and logistics and finances ahead of me. But...that's all. I can definitely do this. I can decide to do it and say that I'm doing it and that's all it takes, in a way.

I'm so used to immigration stuff and benefits stuff where the things I want, the things that are good or healthy for me, the things that reflect my choices or my autonomy, could be taken away from me at any point or never granted to me in the first place.

So I keep feeling -- not thinking, but feeling -- that surely someone has to approve of my decision, surely I have to wait and see if some authority greater than me will allow it. But...no, not really. England isn't enlightened enough to have no-fault divorce so I guess someone technically does have to decide that my reasons are good enough, but that's nowhere near as big as the kinds of things that I'm used to looming over me, determining my future.

It's a very weird feeling to not have that. I'm doing the emotional equivalent of looking over my shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I actually feel kinda lonely that there's no one there waiting to fuck me up, heh. You mean it's just me, I'm enough?

It's kinda freaky that I've gotten to be thirty-nine and still have this idea that me wanting something is nowhere near enough of a reason to make it happen.

Comments

[silveradept]

Given how much of life is very much waiting for someone to give approval, or having to supplicate someone to give approval, or having to do things that someone with more power demands of you, whether you want to do them or not, you get conditioned to the idea that there is always someone with more power who has to approve of what you're doing, whether they're corporeal or celestial.