[310/365] boring mental health stuff

[cosmolinguist]

I broke my foot when I was eighteen (only two years before I started writing the blog that's now archived here, which is a wild thought...). I remember it being annoying and boring and all that but not really that bad?

So I wasn't prepared for how much I am struggling mentally with this now.

I have to remember

a) A lot has happened since then! I didn't even know I had depression or anxiety then! And they've gotten so much worse thanks to various trauma and whatnot. My brain is much more broken now generally
b) This injury and the treatment thereof was far more traumatic this time than the broken foot was. (And that's even counting the fact that my mom refused to take me to the doctor about it until I'd kept my appointment at the dentist, to get all my wisdom teeth out!)
c) I'm an adult now! A lot of what I'm frustrated at is not being able to meet responsibilities I didn't have at 18. Especially with a disabled household where we're all good at different stuff: without all of us, various things start to fall apart pretty quickly! Also especially with a little dog, who doesn't know why I won't take him for walks when he's asked so nicely.
d) I lived in a house with no stairs then! I'm still only dealing with one stair to and from the kitchen (and thus the bathroom) and it's better with barakta's excellent suggestion of using a chair (mother_bones's perching stool handily lives right there!) to sit down on and then stand up at the higher level. But it's still so tiring I'm literally breaking into a sweat every time I need a pee. I'm tired enough to get angry and frustrated. Which are also more tiring!

Comments

[tarasacon]

*listening*

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this! Angry and frustrated makes sense, and on top of the mental load, the inflammation of injury is going to increase fatigue.

As someone who has had to deal with additional physical disability from injury several times in the last few years, on top of my existing disabilities, I offer you a gentle reminder that the first few days are always the worst.

I hope you are able to make time for whatever comfort rituals you can still access, and allow yourself lots of gap spaces in schedules for the extra load of navigating with this, and as much rest as possible.

[cosmolinguist]

the first few days are always the worst.

This is something we were all telling each other yesterday. :) It was also D's first day at his new job, which in a normal week would've been a lot of upheaval and reason for extra care towards him. And from my point of view, he would've been more or less available to help me with almost anything at almost any time to being unavailable much of the day and then extremely tired when his work day was done.

I think I'm doing okay for

• comfort rituals (catching up on baseball podcasts which I find very engrossing, good for distraction/escapism)

• lots of gaps in my schedule (I did work yesterday but I just went to meetings, did a few minor time-sensitive things, and otherwise made a list of everything else I normally would have done and rested for three hours in the middle of the day when I would have been doing those things on a normal work day :))

• resting (I'm both working and sleeping on a sofa with my leg propped up, and I haven't gotten up for much more than bathroom visits)

[tarasacon]

Woof, that’s a lot of stress on the household! Sending tons of good thoughts your way.

Sounds like you are managing excellent self care!

[barakta]

I am wondering if you are in more pain than you realise which is also adding to the breaking into a sweat thing. I experienced pain after surgery as less "pain" and more complete physical shutdown and pushing through that was horrendous.

One of those situation where having the ability to wee in a bottle would be SO MUCH LESS ANNOYING!

[cosmolinguist]

I experienced pain after surgery as less "pain" and more complete physical shutdown and pushing through that was horrendous.

Hm, this is a good perspective and I'll keep an eye out for things like that. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm experiencing it as a complete mental/emotional shutdown...

having the ability to wee in a bottle would be SO MUCH LESS ANNOYING!

I've had that thought so many times in the last couple days!

[otter]

I want to wrap you up in all the hugs.

[cosmolinguist]

<3

I have had so many hugs from D, at least. He's been a star.

[sfred]

<3 Broken bones and dislocations are a big deal!

[cosmolinguist]

To have one might be considered a misfortune, both at once is surely carelessness. ;)

[sfred]

Heh <3

[silveradept]

Oof. I hope your support system continues to work for you and that you heal well and without complications. (So aggravating when something you thought you could shake off turns out not to be so willing to go.)