[335/365] scared

[cosmolinguist]

This morning I made a taxi driver say he was scared to offer help.

He didn't say it to me, but he said it to L when I got out of the taxi to get L's wheelchair out of the boot and start putting it back together.

When we were getting into the taxi, the driver had reached around me to grab L's wheelchair, when L was maneuvering himself into the taxi. The driver was worried he'd stopped too far away, even though he hadn't. I was right next to L, keeping an eye on the situation, but it was going absolutely normally and I was confident no one was in danger.

I think taxi drivers think I'm not helping enough though, because I'm never touching L or his chair at this kind of stage. They think that's bad. I think anything else would be bad. It seems to make them uncomfortable that I am "letting" someone "struggle," or so it looks to them because they can't imagine effective, safe movement that looks any different from theirs or happens at a different pace or anything.

So he grabbed the wheelchair and I said "Don't, don't do that please. It can be dangerous." Bodily autonomy should be enough reason -- just don't grab people! and if they're using a wheelchair, grabbing it is and should be considered just like grabbing their own fleshy body in terms of how seriously it should be taken -- but it's more effective, and here that means quicker, to appeal to their no doubt genuine desire not to see any harm to come to this person, by giving them the message that, no matter how counterintuitive it might seem to them, they might put someone in danger despite intending to do the opposite of that.

It's no lie, or even an exaggeration. We were trying to get into a car that had just pulled over at a busy intersection. (It's a feat L is used to, but that doesn't mean it isn't a lot of work.) Unwanted touch can directly or indirectly (because of how distracting or even alarming it can be) cause a fall or other physical harm. it can also use up a lot of spoons that the person might be banking on for whatever made them need the taxi in the first place (especially in a pandemic; we basically only make these trips for medical appointments now and those are never fun or easy).

The guy said sorry and backed off; I said something like "Don't be sorry," with my usual thoughts of "...just be better" unsaid, except I softened them into something like "We all have to learn sometime, now you know." I disassembled the wheelchair and we got it into the car's trunk, and I didn't think much of any of this.

Then after the short trip to where we were going, he stopped, asked us if we were okay with stopping there -- yep, we said -- and then asked if we needed help -- nope, I said cheerfully and got out of the car.

And that's when he told L he was scared to help.

Taxi drivers aren't generally much help. I pray for less-interfering ones. Sometimes they do hover, which is fine; they want to make sure we don't fuck up their nice cars with trying to cram stuff in the boot badly, not appreciating that, more than people with luggage or groceries maybe, wheelchair users (and people helping them out) are very motivated not to mess up their wheelchairs either because they are both expensive and vital, usually hard-won whether in this country it's through the NHS or fundraising/saving for one independently. So I'm always very careful with how the wheelchair parts interact with the cars but I don't mind the guys (always guys...) standing there. They can take the wheels from me as I remove them and put them in the trunk but usually the wheelchair body has to go in first so they have to be taken out again anyway. And in reverse, I actually like to put one wheel one before I take the body of the wheelchair back out, which no one else would anticipate but I understand how much easier it is that way.

So it can be kind of exhausting for me. I try to do everything perfectly to minimize interference, which means doing everything quickly, which can sometimes mean I fumble. And I probably am kinda short with new people because they don't know I've been through this a thousand times and are kind of taken aback by me. (I get really different responses based on whether they think I'm a man or a woman too; this was the most woman-ish (L and I agreed) I'd been read by a taxi driver in a while which I think really did not help. Taxis with L were one of the first places I realized really obvious benefits of being perceived as a man! Which is so weird, I never would have expected it'd be that big a deal.)

But I certainly hadn't intended to scare this dude. I hadn't raised my voice (beyond saying "don't" more forcefully the second time since it hadn't made him let go the first time, but only to the extent that I sometimes feel that I have to speak sharply to be heard while wearing a mask, which of course I was at this point). I hadn't called him names, used bad language, or anything. I gave him a "know better, do better" kind of response which I think is kinder than what I was really thinking: "the best apology is changed behavior," heh.

At first I thought it was hilarious that such mild boundary-setting had scared him off of helping all together. But then I kinda despaired. I really don't want him to feel uncomfortable around future wheelchair users or other disabled people using his taxi.

It's hard work, interacting with people sometimes.

Comments

[otter]

Taxi drivers and I have had some challenges. Medical taxis here, usually the only kind we use, are hit or miss as far as drivers go. Some friends had one driver pull away from the curb before the teenager was entirely in the car, and they fell out onto the curb. Who does that?!? Especially when their job is to work with disabled folks who can't drive.

[silveradept]

Only as a guess, you probably came across as someone who would relish the opportunity to browbeat him for making any mistake at all. Which is entirely his problem perceiving you that way, compared to what you actually did, but there is a certain fragility to some men's egos where asserting even the smallest of boundaries turns you into a monster who intends to terrify and oppress.

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah my initial desire to laugh was absolutely a #MasculinitySoFragile sort of response.

But I worry about the racial dynamics of it too: I'm white and he was South Asian living in England. I am sure he's encountered more than enough people who really do want to terrify and oppress him. :/

[silveradept]

Ah, yes, that does change the equation significantly, where terrified might not be of a woman exercising power for herself, but instead, a woman being a Karen about a man of color to others.

[rmc28]

Oh if they read you as a woman that seems entirely believable that you mildly setting a boundary is "scary" - whereas if you'd been read as a man it would have been written off as you being blunt and straightforward. Why yes I am familiar with this double standard as a woman in a male-dominated career.

I would guess at the comment being a bit of attempted male bonding with L over the intimidating nature of L's carer.

[sfred]

Yes, this.

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah I wonder if that's what made L sound very certain when he said that guy had read me as a woman; it wasn't as clear to me at all in his direct interactions with me... But that attempt at bonding would have taken me to the same conclusion.

[worlds_of_smoke]

I'm confused as to why L is taking the taxi in the first place. Don't you guys have something like a paratransit there?

[barakta]

Not really. We have "hospital transport" which is only available if you cannot use taxis, is very slow, tends to turn up up to several hours before an appointment and collect you up to several hours later. It's notoriously so bad most people will avoid it.

Also they're cunts about people's own mobility aids, often refusing to transport people's own wheelchairs citing bullshit safety about securing them. A friend of mine is attempting a very quiet legal action about this at the moment.

I was told I HAD to use hospital transport to come home from hospital after major ortho surgery cos "you won't be able to bend your leg to get in a car".

What actually happened is that while they turned up on time, I was left without pain meds for the several hours before I was actually discharged (low priority in a poorly staffed ward) and after ALL that waiting for the transport, I was forced to transfer out of the wheelchair into a chair in a minibus which was full of crap and a "not very with it" other patient-passenger and it was dark and generally awful and difficult. I barely managed the transfer as I'd assumed I'd be transported in a strapped down wheelchair. Fuck that. Very annoyed. I haven't used it for hospital appointments even though I was deemed eligible.

Some places have special disability taxi credit schemes but it doesn't seem to cover more than a small fraction of required journeys or costs and has the same issue with taxi drivers getting arsy about being asked not to help.

[worlds_of_smoke]

oh man. that's horrifying. Here, our transit authority has a paratransit with buses like these or these that are specifically for disabled people, with wheelchair lifts. All the seats have seatbelts and there are wheelchair restraints on them to secure people in their chairs and to secure things like mini-shopping carts or walkers. I've been riding them for yeeeears and have only heard of one case where someone fell out of their chair and it was their fault because they didn't listen to the bus driver when they told the rider to stop playing with their seatbelt. I cracked a rib, but that was my own damn fault for wearing the seatbelt under my breasts instead of over them.

I'm in a city with a relatively decent bus system, though, so I'm really lucky. The idea of having to take taxis everywhere makes me go D: D:

[barakta]

Most of our buses here are wheelchair accessible but sometimes the drivers will try and avoid transporting wheelchair users by driving on past (This happens to blind people too as cosmolinguist has written about before) or the ramps don't work. It does seem to vary by locale.

I live near a city so have good buses but sometimes they don't work well for certain places so what would be a 10 min car/taxi journey is 30-60 mins by bus or two buses.

I have a local hospital which is 10-15 mins by car/taxi and 60 mins by bus cos of the way the routes work. It was lifechanging when I could afford to take taxis when I had to go there and was less exhausted on arrival.

[worlds_of_smoke]

Yeah, I totally get how the regular bus can be inconvenient. My job is 2 hours by regular bus. But the paratransit picks me up at my house and drops me off at the door of my job, so it's usually the same ~20-30 minutes it would be if I were driving. The only downside is that it's a rideshare, so they sometimes pick up and/or drop off other people. They assume that will happen, so they pick you up way early -- for example, they usually pick me up at 2:25 to get to work at 3:45. But I just put headphones on or read while the driver does their thing.

The other issue can be timeliness due to the rideshare aspect of it. For the first 8 months of my job, they were really good at getting me to work on time. But they've gotten me to work late 2 times in the past 2 weeks because dispatch will randomly add people to the bus drivers' routes at the last minute. (One time it was by only 2 minutes, but 2 minutes is the same as being 20 minutes late in management's book.) I'm not sure why there's been this sudden uptick in dispatch fucking the drivers over, but I've pushed back my pickups in the hopes that things will get sorted out and I won't get dinged any further for tardiness.

But, overall, it's really the only option for me. I can't get to the nearest bus stop because I have a bad hip even if I could handle a 2-hour ride, and I most certainly can't. My job is on the other side of town, so getting a taxi or Uber is like $35 or $40 after the tip. I can only work 4-hour shifts and only make $11.50, so that's most of a day's pay.

[cosmolinguist]

We have a relatively decent bus system -- we actually usually get the bus home from appointments at this particular place -- but it uses up a different kind of spoons for L and it's not always the best option.

[worlds_of_smoke]

yeah, I can understand that. Overstimulation and all that can definitely be an issue!

[barakta]

Argh how frustrating. And bloody rude to try and get L to paint you as weird and aggressive. You gave perfectly reasonable feedback. And the kicker is, if you (crip or PA) DON'T say "no" firmly and clearly, then if you formally and legally complain, the courts will (often) decide you didn't say no, so the issue wasn't legit and if you wanted to complain you HAVE to say no.

I have a dear male friend who uses a wheelchair and finds it really difficult to say no at the time and keeps losing or getting worse outcomes in complaints cos even tho he has evidence, the legal system etc expect him to say "don't do that" and indeed expect him to handhold professionals through things like securing a wheelchair or working a ramp...

Fucked if you do, fucked if you don't. The system puts all the shit on the crips (and associates).

I have noticed in the 3 months I've been using taxis with a folding manual wheelchair post-surgery that taxi drivers wanna to get helpy.

Kim has got very good at taking the footrests off the wheelchair and handing them to the driver, thus occupying him (it's always a him, I think I've had 1 female taxi driver, ever) while Kim either folds the wheelchair or removes wheels and folds it and chucks it in the boot. Sometimes the driver will help by moving other stuff or jiggling it so it sits properly.

We find the drivers clearly REALLY want to help, but whoever is doing their disability equality training (bet it's crappy awareness training) is not a real wheelchair user who is explaining THE RULES:

1) "Don't touch, ever!"
2) "No REALLY, Just Don't Touch!"
3) Ask 'What is needed?' and LISTEN to the answer and do as asked.
4) Patience about the time things take is helpful, don't rush us.


Kim finds drivers like to try and rush out and get the wheelchair out of the boot quicker than she does. Which then leaves them holding it not knowing what to do. Cos they don't know how it unfolds.

I'm lucky none had tried to grab me yet, I think cos it's harder for them to physically get past Kim to me. As for Covid reasons I learned to transfer into the back from the start despite it being harder.

Annoyingly drivers sometimes don't think about parking carefully, or ALWAYS seem to line up with the fucking drain (slippery) at the hospital pickup point, or the door partially blocked by a bollard or something... That is something I wish they knew about more.

My fave drivers are the ones who park carefully and offer help but accept a "no thanks" and let us get on with it in peace.


Before we dealt with taxis, Kim booked a car from the local social care share scheme (you get some freebie hours each month of subscription) so I could spend a quality hour practicing transfers in and out about 2 week after my surgery before we had our first hospital appointments. This was very useful as we tried different seats (passenger, both back seats) and different places outside our house as well. We worked out I was better at transferring than expected as long as I was given time, not rushed or touched.

[finding_helena]

He could be not only untrained but socially awkward, too, and not sure how to express himself. Potentially he feels like he *wants* to help and he doesn't want to make things worse, but he's worried there is no good option for him, and he feels like a jerk just standing around but doesn't know what to do instead.

Not that that's your problem, of course. Maybe there is a good short explanation you can give -- something along the lines of "It's never a good idea to touch the wheelchair or the wheelchair user unless they ask you to. He knows what he's doing and it can mess up his concentration or make him slip if you do something he's not expecting. You can offer verbally to help and if he wants help he'll let you know, otherwise the best thing you can do is give him space."

Reframing "verbally offer to help, and if declined, just stand back and wait" as a *good* thing for him to do, so that he can feel like he's taking the right course of action. Ofc if you don't have the bandwidth for it or don't want to, you're not required to educate the guy.