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[cosmolinguist]

7. When you were younger, were you ever in a relationship with someone you now realize was way too old for you?

I wasn't, but I'm damn lucky I wasn't because I'm exactly the demographic that's most vulnerable to that: believed to be a woman (even by myself at that age), convinced I was smart and mature for my age, miserable because I thought I was better than everyone else, and horny af. It was just lack of opportunity that saved me from that kind of exploitation really.

Instead, my first boyfriend was two years older than me (exactly! we had the same birthday! he called me up to say "happy birthday" and I replied with "you too!" which I think rattled him, that's not usually how that greeting is answered!), my second was a year younger, first girlfriend was two years older again I think, then...two years older, one I don't remember how old he was but it was again a few years older than me, one nine or ten years older...another two years older... That seems to be my type, heh. Stuart is a lot older than me but I was almost thirty when we first got together and the age difference has never been weird or problematic. He found it hilarious.

But yeah, this was the silver lining to not finding anyone to date until my 20s, I missed out on a lot of bad choices!

Comments

[otter]

oh, yes. It was awful and abusive. nuf said.

And then I met the kids' dad, who was closer to my age and more subtle about the abuse, so it took a long time to realize that I needed to leave.

[barakta]

Not personally but I remember being under 20 and having friends who got into relationships with people A Lot Older and many of them were bad news. I think it's very hard for someone who is older in a relationship, especially with a young adult under the age of say 25 to avoid "but I have more life experience". It is hard for the younger person to know what is potentially/actually abusive and what might be true life experience talking.

I think age differences matter less over say 25 than under 25.

My ex was only 2ish yrs older than me and we were together age 17-21 for me, 18-22 for him and he used to try and claim age experience when he wanted his own way...

[sfred]

I think age differences matter less over say 25 than under 25.

I like the "half your age plus seven" rule of thumb - I do think that bigger age gaps are less of a problem the older you get.

[barakta]

I think the 15 to say 21 age group are perhaps at most made-vulnerable cos of a tendency to rebel against boring adults while actually still being potentially immature and less aware of nice-people-being-abusive-or-bad-for-you...

And yes, those rules of thumb can help. And there's always exceptions to the rule. I think I was always a bit cynical cos I didn't think the "cool rebels" were actually all that cool, they seemed to be pretty fucking risky and stupid.

[sfred]

I don't think I thought cool rebels were cool; I think I thought I was way too difficult for people my own age, and thought I was mature enough to hold my own with people older than me.

[barakta]

I hadn't thought of that perspective, but I guess that does fit how some of my friends saw themselves.

I to be fair had Internet friends who were a lot older than me and I can't say if any had been "into relationships" I'd have been aware enough to nope out. But they were mostly gay men, which was refreshingly safe!

[sfred]

I had some pretty big age gaps when I was young, some of which are quite worrying in hindsight. It does mean that when people remark on the 11 years between me and David it takes me by surprise because it just doesn't feel like that big a gap (and I was 30 when we got together).