[317/366] this weeek
Nov. 12th, 2020 11:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cosmolinguistSo I said the other day that this was going to be a long week and that I had to work today which I don't normally do.
Some of the work, it turned out, couldn't even be done today so I have to go baaack tomorrow morning. And then I have a different volunteer meeting tomorrow afternoon.
Before work today, though, I had what was supposed to be the last of the counselling sessions. As soon as she saw my scores this week (good ol' PHQ-9 and GAD-7) she's like "I don't want this to be our last session" and near the end she said "yeah I'm not running
this like a last session." It didn't feel like that to me either. I'd talked about how much worse my SAD has gotten this week, like I spent five hours after I got home from work Tuesday feeling like I was glued in bed, getting hungry and knowing I had leftovers I could re-heat but not being able to move, eventually resenting the podcasts and phone games that normally feel like little treats because I felt powerless to stop them either, I was just stuck in this mindless, helpless loop. It was actually kind of scary to feel so powerless to make my own muscles move even when I desperately wanted them to.
I woke up yesterday terrified of the same kind of paralysis so forced myself to do things, but ended up in tears as I was doing chores and exhausted by things I wouldn't normally be.
Anyway I didn't say that in so many words but I did talk about the SAD and about how bad November is for me even when there isn't a pandemic, with the anniversary of my brother dying and all (with that and Remembrance Day and TDOR and all, it has long felt like a month for death and solemnity and dark and cold).
She's determined to blag me a few more sessions, and not leave me with spiking scores and all this shit going on (we talked about the elections too, not just a binary "who's the president" but how unsettled it still is and how worried I am for my family and friends there when they face everything from potential victimhood of MAGA-hatted hate crimes to having their healthcare taken away.
Things were really tough between that (first thing at 9am!) and leaving for work around lunchtime. Everything felt so out of my control even in my house -- a mouse is wreaking havoc in the kitchen again and halfway through sweeping up wild rice it'd made a mess of I just threw the dustpan and broom to the floor in sheer frustrated misery -- but I managed work okay and made some plans to rest a little, which is the thing my counselor suggested I try to do these coming days. The day is ending better than it started and I am glad of that.
Some of the work, it turned out, couldn't even be done today so I have to go baaack tomorrow morning. And then I have a different volunteer meeting tomorrow afternoon.
Before work today, though, I had what was supposed to be the last of the counselling sessions. As soon as she saw my scores this week (good ol' PHQ-9 and GAD-7) she's like "I don't want this to be our last session" and near the end she said "yeah I'm not running
this like a last session." It didn't feel like that to me either. I'd talked about how much worse my SAD has gotten this week, like I spent five hours after I got home from work Tuesday feeling like I was glued in bed, getting hungry and knowing I had leftovers I could re-heat but not being able to move, eventually resenting the podcasts and phone games that normally feel like little treats because I felt powerless to stop them either, I was just stuck in this mindless, helpless loop. It was actually kind of scary to feel so powerless to make my own muscles move even when I desperately wanted them to.
I woke up yesterday terrified of the same kind of paralysis so forced myself to do things, but ended up in tears as I was doing chores and exhausted by things I wouldn't normally be.
Anyway I didn't say that in so many words but I did talk about the SAD and about how bad November is for me even when there isn't a pandemic, with the anniversary of my brother dying and all (with that and Remembrance Day and TDOR and all, it has long felt like a month for death and solemnity and dark and cold).
She's determined to blag me a few more sessions, and not leave me with spiking scores and all this shit going on (we talked about the elections too, not just a binary "who's the president" but how unsettled it still is and how worried I am for my family and friends there when they face everything from potential victimhood of MAGA-hatted hate crimes to having their healthcare taken away.
Things were really tough between that (first thing at 9am!) and leaving for work around lunchtime. Everything felt so out of my control even in my house -- a mouse is wreaking havoc in the kitchen again and halfway through sweeping up wild rice it'd made a mess of I just threw the dustpan and broom to the floor in sheer frustrated misery -- but I managed work okay and made some plans to rest a little, which is the thing my counselor suggested I try to do these coming days. The day is ending better than it started and I am glad of that.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-11-13 05:17 pm (UTC)Ever so glad that your day ended better than it started out.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-11-13 09:59 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2020-11-14 12:13 pm (UTC)I hope you are able to get a few more sessions and they help. Thinking of you.