[192/366] tough day

[cosmolinguist]

Okay let's say you're a dog and you have run out of water in your bowl, and there are two humans in the house who might refill it. One of them has been sleeping in one room for hours and the other has been awake in the next room this whole time and, I cannot emphasize this enough, you're a dog. Which one would you nudge until they come downstairs with you?

Thats the story of how I got woken up by a cool wet nose to the elbow about 11pm last night. I'd gone to bed about 9, utterly exhausted after the day I'd had.

I got up, had a snack, did everything I could once I got back to bed to get back to sleep, but I just didn't. I tried to breathe and meditate but I was eaten up with anxiety. I think I dozed for a bit at about 7am, but by the time I had to get up and deal with today (the roofers came back with more people to fix one of the problems they found yesterday, they arrived while I was already on the phone with my therapist), I was in a full-blown panic attack.

I got showered and dressed, started laundry, walked the dog, all in tears or close to it. I was quieter but in some ways worse after therapy. I'd been planning to fake my way through again, like last time when I spent my appointment cleaning the microwave and explaining Labovian changes from above/below to online friends. But I couldn't do that today: I started crying almost right away and I'd given myself one measly point on "difficult thoughts about harming yourself" because I'd hit a wall (literally, with my hand) and I just wanted Everything to stop.

All this made her rearrange the whole session for today so at first I thought oh, great, but then she just splained breathing exercises to me and suggested making lists of options for how to fix my problems while not worrying about problems I can't fix. Andrew and I had already talked about all the expensive plans to fix everything in the house, but I was still shaky and crying and breathing exercises could fend it off for a few seconds or minutes but it was always there waiting for me again.

But late this afternoon the sun came out fir what feels like the first time in about a fortnight and I started to feel a bit better too. I've had pizza and ice cream and beer, I'm watching Jurassic Park, an old favorite that's extra interesting when I've just re-read the book. I'm trying to be okay. Today has been tough, but it's ending better than it started and I'm very glad of that.

Comments

[rmc28]

I'm glad today ends better than it started.

In odd coincidences, Charles watched Jurassic Park yesterday and was enthusing at me about it today.

[cosmolinguist]

I'm glad it still appeals to people about the age I was when I first saw it.

[azurelunatic]

That's a rough fucking day. :(

[angelofthenorth]

Lots of hugs

[otter]

I kind of want to smack your therapist. Especially because I had a fragile morning during my own therapy session and my therapist approached it so differently. And she was sure to tell me that because we'd stirred things up first thing in the day, that I'd probably have those emotions wash over me now and again the rest of the day. Which they have.

I'm glad you got some sunshine and have good food and beer. and a movie you like. That does sound much better than your morning. *hugs*

[steorra]

offers tea

[annofowlshire]

I’m glad the day ended up better than it started, but sad about the starting point. *tea*

[white_hart]

I'm glad the day ended better than it started, but that sounds tough.

[alithea]

Glad things improved somewhat but *hugs* and I really hope today is proving easier.

I also want to slap your therapist - I got immensely frustrated by the online CBT course I did which refused to acknowledge that not all problems can be fixed with your available resources, I'd have expected an actual human being to be a bit more empathetic on the issue!

[silveradept]

Glad that things improved, but the low bar that was set and then dug underneath by your therapist was not a good start.

[jesse_the_k]

<3