[182/366] just complaining today; don't mind me

[cosmolinguist]

Most of the dishes were clean when I walked into the kitchen this morning so I grabbed a spoon and one of my favorite bowls from the drying rack. The bowl is blue on the inside and white with big primary-colored dots on the outside. It's just a nice size and heft. I bought two of these on a whim when I decieed one day, when I hadn't lived here very long, that I wanted a teapot. The one I got -- a little one since I'm the only one who likes tea in my house -- was in the same design of colored dots. After I picked it up I saw the matching bowls and I did not need them but I liked them and at the time I could buy things that I liked and didn't need so I bought two.

And yes I'm going into this much detail because as soon as I put this bowl down on the counter I could see that it was in fact about to slide off the counter and it did.

It didn't make much moise at all, which momentarily tricked my optimistic brain into thinking it hadn't broken by falling three feet onto a tiled floor, but then I bent to pick it up and saw two big pieces. I tried fitting them together and saw another chunk was still missing, but I couldn't find it and I was too demoralized to try hard. It was the first thing in the morning after a disrupted night's sleep, I was trying to overcome recent disordered eating by having breakfast before I'd been up for hours and felt terrible for it, and this is the thanks I get.

I was worried about one of us, or the dog, hurting ourselves on the missing shard so yelled for Andrew but he didn't here me and I didn't have the energy to pursue it just then. I didn't feel safe in the kitchen at that point so I just went to sit down and be sad. It was hours before I felt up to tackling the cluttered countertop that had left so little room for my cereal bowl; I hadn't put away the groceries yesterday -- there just isn't room for the way we've been having to buy them lately, and this is another problem I am well-aware of but haven't tackled.

When Andrew came downstairs I warned him about the bowl and said I wasn't sure I had found all the bits but he just said "okay" because he's a normal person who doesn't debilitating emotional attachments to inanimate objects. I almost wanted to ask him what it was like being so lucky. What's it like to be able to find things without having to use your fingers. But I didn't say any of that.

It's just a stupid bowl but it waws brightly colored and felt good and I liked it and my life now just seems to be reminders of nice things I cannot have. Normally I'd cheer myself up with some charity-shop crockery at a time like this, but I can't even do that now.

Comments

[angelofthenorth]

*hugs*. It's not stupid to get attached to things at all. And your reactions are in the normal spectrum, so I wouldn't worry :)

More hugs

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you.

[rmc28]

I'm sorry. I would be upset too. I *have* been upset by that kind of thing in the past.

[cosmolinguist]

I'd be much kinder to any of my friends so I'm trying to extend that to myself.

[annofowlshire]

*hugs*

We had some inconvenient houseguests last year-ish (it’s a long story; it was the right thing to do to put them up, but it wasn’t easy), break my favourite mug that I had had since university (note that I am now 40. Note that mean that mug moved successfully with me more than a dozen times). And they were like “oh, well I barely touched it, anyway it’s just a mug! La!” G did try to fix it for me, but ultimately I had to give up on it and it was sad.

Ugh. I understand attachment to special objects. You have my sympathy.

[cosmolinguist]

I didn't even think it was special until now. Ah well. I still have one.

[askygoneonfire]

Oh I'm sorry. I felt every moment of that and felt myself sit heavily down next to you to be sad. I once had a similar disaster with a much loved, perfectly ordinary but perfectly sized and weighted mug. I still miss it. I don't think it's a silly emotional attachment at all. I think those are the things life is made up of. I'm glad you still have one of them. I hope tomorrow morning you'll have a better start.

[cosmolinguist]

I think those are the things life is made up of.

This is a good way to describe it.

I felt every moment of that and felt myself sit heavily down next to you to be sad.

Thank you. I think that's all I wanted in writing this.

I'm glad I still have one too.

[jtthomas]

Cosmo, just gonna point something out here, content warning for family because yeah.

This is how you were raised -- sentimental attachment to objects. Your mom thinks she can control what objects you have an attachment to, but instead, you pick your own. And you pick things that fit *you*. You have every right to be sad. (Also, that bowl sounds really pretty and I would be sad too.)

[cosmolinguist]

This is true. I finally saw one of the dishes my mom has talked my whole life about wanting me to have one day and...well I've never seen it so I have no memories or connections of it. And also it's kinda racist! Excellent! Whereas this random bowl I bought myself...yeah it turns out that means a lot more!

This is a really good point, thank you for making it.

[sfred]

<3
I'm sorry that happened; it sounds really hard.

[cosmolinguist]

It's a lot easier with everyone being so nice to me. <3

[otter]

I understand being sad about it.

Did the package I sent arrive yet? Speaking of things :)

[cosmolinguist]

On, yes, I meant to say it did, sorry! It is great and it makes me happy, thank you. :)

[jesse_the_k]

<3 <3 <3

Sturdy cheery crockery is the gift that you can give yourself. I’m so sorry this bowl broke.

[cosmolinguist]

I'm sure there will be more one day. :)

[cynthia1960]

Yeah, I've also had things break on me and it sets free my "this is why I can't have nice things" brainweasel.

[cosmolinguist]

It doesn't take much when there are so many nice things I really cannot have.

[tarasacon]

I hear and feel this so hard. I can’t currently afford to replace treasured objects so losing one is especially sucky, even if it’s “just” a bowl/mug/whatever. So is the loop of not having room for necessary functioning, but needing to function to make room.

I’m sorry you had this happen. *hugs* if wanted, plus wishes that the universe provides a new brightly colored tactile/tangible joy soon.

[cosmolinguist]

Thank you. Hugs are always good.

[barakta]

This sounds really stressful on so many levels. Breakage of a loved object that had a history and story - some friends of mine are doing a show & tell of treasured objects soon, cos that's a thing!.

I know I thought instantly of a pair of mugs that I have, I'd bought one for work, decided it was too nice to risk getting broken so kept it at home. A few weeks later an identical mug was in my work-tray. A colleague had seen the same thing randomly and bought it for me. And I still have both cos the mug was too nerdy for anyone else to use (useful in an office) and I keep one in a drawer safe so I still have one if I break one. Extra memory that the colleague who gave it me died a few years back, so it's also something I remember her by...

It is also hard with sight impairment and breaking things does happen more often + all the hard to see shards becomes an extra stress for you and Gary the Wonder Dog. and it's hard to define that "this things happens more cos of my impairment" + "this thing has happened more cos I'm NOT getting the support I need (to tidy surfaces, manage shopping, etc etc). You sound exhausted which I know you are, which sets up the circumstances which make badness like this happen more - vicious spiral.

Not sure what else to say other than sending virtual hugs and grargh sympathy

[cosmolinguist]

it's hard to define that "this things happens more cos of my impairment" + "this thing has happened more cos I'm NOT getting the support I need (to tidy surfaces, manage shopping, etc etc).

Yes, I thought of that too. It did feel like a very medical-model "well I'm just gonna break stuff more and not be good at cleaning it up and that's Facts" at first, but then I imagined a world with a tidy house so it'd happen less and money to replace stuff that did break and it felt like this wouldn't have been more than a momentary nuisance in that world. So even though I don't live in that world, it did me some good to remember that it is possible. I guess otherwise I'd been thinking "this will always happen and always be terrible" which is even worse than thinking "I am getting by without help I need."

[silveradept]

Oof. I am sorry about the breakage, and empathize because I gave broken many things in exactly that way, and am much harder on myself about breaking things than I would be and have been for other people when accidents happen to them.

[cosmolinguist]

Yes I imagine that if Andrew had broken it I would've been upset for a bit and probably even had that moment of irrational "I wouldn't have let this happen if it had been me!" but I was much harder on myself than I would've been on him.

[silveradept]

Maybe sometime soon we'll figure out how to treat ourselves like we would others, even if it seems impossible to do now.

[worlds_of_smoke]

I don't think you're silly at all for being upset over breaking a bowl. Humans make attachments to things. It's just one of those things we do. So you're not overreacting or anything like that. You're having a natural human reaction to losing something you treasured.

[momentsmusicaux]

I know some and probably most people get less attached than I do to objects. But that doesn't make it stupid.
You had a couple of cereal bowls which you thought were nice, and having them and using them made you happy.
And it sucks when nice things get broken or damaged, and I think it's ok to feel sad about it.
I'm sorry your bowl got broken. *hug*

[mrs_leroy_brown]

I know this story has an upbeat sequel (yay!) but also wanted to add that I too place a lot of sentimental value on certain stuff. And I think this in particular was special because it was a rare case of treating yourself, that the loss of it was particularly heartbreaking. Sometimes I look at a mug that I don't even use that often because I'm afraid of breaking it in a pre-mourning way - I'mg going to cry my eyes out if this breaks (it was given to me by a friend who died, and also is a pattern that was on some placemats we had when I was a kid)...so yeah...sometimes stuff is more than just stuff.

but I'm happy about the sequel. :)