[98/366] taking stock

[cosmolinguist]

Yesterday I got an email from the two lecturers teaching one of my classes. It's the "we haven't heard from you in two weeks and we need to hear your proposal for a final essay topic."

I've basically been in lockdown for three weeks already now and, yeah, I haven't been able to interact with or accomplish any uni stuff at all in that time. I know this is bad. The email was gentle and kind but made it clear that the final deadline remains the same, something the School-wide and uni-wide emails have also stressed.

It's been almost a day and I still haven't replied. I know I need to, if nothing else to tell them I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I'm stuck on what to say, though. I'm stuck on everything. I haven't even looked at the details of the essay, much less picked a subject and a reading list. A kind friend has given me example words to say and I can't even think about those (where normally I'd be either "yep, that's fine" or "no, I want this!" and be able to change them). Now I'm all "What are words, how do I even do them." It's no fun; usually I'm great at words so I don't know how to manage not being able to express myself (even to myself, like by making a list of the things I need to do and the steps I can break the tasks into).

I was saying at the end of February, "I'm really worried that I'm at end-of-the-semeseter levels of apathy and detachment when it's not even halfway through the semester." Suffice to say that another month and change has not improved that situation! I'm still utterly determined to write my essays and graduate of course, but I'm also very fatalistic about it, unfortunately: what's the point when my chances of getting a job, which already worried me, are surely lower now that places will be that much less likely to be worrying about hiring now that they're all busy trying to make and get used to a new normal of working from home and whatnot. I realized the other day, reading yet another uni e-mail that needed to address what's happening for all the different year cohorts, that part of me really wishes I wasn't finishing uni now, I wish I had all the support and structure that first- and second-year students are getting.

Being on Easter break now has really driven home how even the structure of lectures and seminars online, even to the minimal degree I was able to engage with them, was really important for me not totally falling out of any kind of routine. We only have a couple more weeks of anything like teaching and then the essays are all due and that's basically it for me. I'm scared of the prospect of no job to replace that -- not just financially (but also that!) but in terms of how I spend my days in this bleak lonely time.

On this subject, I've got an e-mail from the careers people that I want to respond to. They've been very friendly and reasonably helpful to me so far (though this particular e-mail seems to have confused me with someone else! Both alarmingly and then amusingly, it includes "...the nature of your query (in your case it would be careers in the USA, searching for jobs abroad and visa sponsorship)." Good lord am I glad I don't have to worry about any of that shit!) I need to remind them of my actual concerns -- both the pre-existing ones (in Manchester, extremely understanding about my mental illness and my being a carer for Andrew) and the new covid-related ones.

It all feels too big to manage, though. I've tried being really patient with myself and not berating myself for being so non-functional, but like I said that just leaves me with apathy and detachment while the deadlines get closer all the time.

Comments

[angelofthenorth]

Hugs.

Can I help in any way?

[cosmolinguist]

I can't think of anything to ask for, but I really appreciate the offer.

[davidgillon]

The email was gentle and kind but made it clear that the final deadline remains the same, something the School-wide and uni-wide emails have also stressed.

OTOH the Equality Act makes it clear that reasonable adjustments must be made on an individual basis, based on individual circumstances. And if your MH is getting in the way of being able to work on you essays, particularly in the unpredictable circumstances of the current situation, then that's something they need to consider and respond to.

[cosmolinguist]

Oh I forgot to say (I wrote so much and still forgot stuff!) that they did say students who need to apply for mitigating circumstances should and then all we need to tell them is that we've done that. And I was thinking already I probably should do that for all these essays (I'll have three, and also I've still got a midterm essay to finish, which I already have an extended deadline for so it'll be due around the same time).

[davidgillon]

I probably should do that

Absolutely!

[cosmolinguist]

Still, they have to be due some time! I don't feel like the amount of time I have to do the essays is the problem (yet), the problem is that I don't feel like extra time would find me in any more capable a state to do them.

[worlds_of_smoke]

Yes, do that. <3 I know it's work you don't have the spoons to do, but it will buy you time.

[cosmolinguist]

I know it's work you don't have the spoons to do

This is the only reason it hasn't been done yet. Andrew says he can help me with it tomorrow (he had to do it for me last time too so he's used to this by now) so it will get done.

[sfred]

I'm sorry it's so hard. <3

[cosmolinguist]

Me too. Thank you. x

[barakta]

Sorry it is so hard. I can completely understand. Good luck sorting things as best as you can. Sending love and good thoughts to you.

[otter]

Sending gentle hugs.

[silveradept]

That sounds very difficult.

Is this an "if you have advice, I would like to hear it" state or a "your advice could be perfect and until I can get my mental state to change, it will be useless and upsetting" state?

[cosmolinguist]

I'd love some advice. Thank you for checking this first though, it's absolutely the right thing to do for me these days.

[silveradept]

When things are too big to manage for me, and everything is important and decision paralysis is getting to me, or often helps to write the stuff down on a list, then tackle them as they are on the list. This sometimes means saying "this is my list, partner, please tell me to do one of the things on this list, so I can get started".

If I get over the inertia, then I can do stuff. But I have to get over it, first.

[jesse_the_k]

I learned in my dialectical behavioral therapy group (thanks kaberett) a frame that's helped me a lot in situations like this.

We're human, we have emotions and strong feelings. Let's say they range from 1 when serene to 10 when screaming/self-harming/hopeless.

When my emotions are running stronger than 5, then I'm no longer capable of making good choices, imagining a better future, or figuring out what I need. When I'm over 5, my only job is to get myself down below 5, so I can engage my "wise mind" again.

Sending you all the love.

[cosmolinguist]

This is a good framing.

What helps you get yourself below 5?

[jesse_the_k]

We spent a lot of time creating a "things to do to get back to 5" list in my group, so of course yours will differ.

1. Things where I feel competent/mastery. For me:
-- cooking
-- rereading my own best writing. The posts I'm most proud of, the advocacy letters I've written--these remind me I can be effective
-- providing technical support in writing or F2F with a friend
-- rereading familiar writing that I really love (I already know the plot & characters, so I can focus on how the whole accomplishes the goal. Ursula K Le Guin is good for this, as well as great fanfic.)

2. Vitamin L for love
-- I have all the physical cards people have sent me for the past 30+ years, and I paw through them
-- grooming and snuggling my dog
-- snuggling MyGuy (wordlessly)
-- do something that I'm passionate about -- (for me, this includes researching sidewalk design, imagining accessible SF cons, reading elaborate fanfic theories)
-- listening to music that reminds me of happy times
-- singing along

3. Recognizing that this too will pass. The associated DBT skill is called "Riding The Wave"
-- everything comes and goes. Good times pass, bad times pass
-- I've survived bad times
-- Holding on and surviving may feel terrible, and it will pass
-- just because I feel horrible doesn't mean I'm bad or I'm going to explode

I hope this helps a little.