[77/366] so it begins
Mar. 17th, 2020 07:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cosmolinguistI woke up five minutes before my alarm would've been. Had a moment of thinking "okay: historical syntax seminar now, pub tonight with bi friends..." before I remembered. I'm not doing as badly as last night, but remembering is still really hard on me.
Soon, maybe even tomorrow, I won't have that reflexive moment of "okay, my regular day is about to start" and that is even harder. Soon I'll get used to this, and I can't decide if I welcome the lack of this sting or dread the resignation it indicates. I'm probably still in some element of denial of how long-term this is going to be. Because I've had what's, if not a normal day for me at least an entirely familiar kindof day. It's usually internally driven by my depression but today I learned it's possible for it to be artificially induced too.
I am an object lesson in the usefulness of all this advice we keep reading about staying busy, keeping a routine, getting out of your pajamas, eating healthy, getting fresh air and exercise as much as possible, etc.etc., because I have done none of those things and I feel like shit for it. I've done none of my uni work, nothing off my to-do list from yesterday except talk to L about work (and that was partly because he instigated it; to be fair I had tried to start writing a message but couldn't find the words before he got in touch with me instead).
He started by asking if Andrew or I were in the high-risk group, and when I said Andrew is he said he's going to tell the accountant to pt me on sick pay. I forgot that was a thing; usually if I'm sick I just don't work (my contract is technically a zero-hours one, though it does also have provision for holiday pay and stuff). I don't know how the sick pay works but if it's based off anything like what I've worked recently it's only going to be a couple hours a week. I've never been in this job for the money, always for my friend who needs help. But even a handful of extra quid a week is better than nothing. For now Andrew's Patreon is still increasing, but I'm keenly aware that his income depends entirely on other people having disposable income, so that's not a comfortable position to be in when so many jobs are at risk and the future is so uncertain.
Anyway, the only sensible thing I did other than talk about work was keep in touch with people.lilysea and I had a nice long chat, my friend Katie rang me, and I've been touched by the comments left on my last post and by how busy my DW reading page has been today (and diligent people have been in cut-tagging! it turns out I've read almost or maybe everything behind them, but only because I was able to carefully manage how I was taking them in).
I did get out a bit, but not as much or as early in the day as I'd hoped. We genuinely do need toilet paper and there wasn't any even in the two little local shops nearest my house, so discovering that made a depressing trip outside. I wanted peanut butter too but wasn't going to wait in the massive queue just for that.
I have the odd day like this but in the back of my mind I can feel myself kinda thinking "okay so this one's a write-off but tomorrow will be better!" Because usually I'm not this lethargic and detached from my responsibilities for more than a day at a time. But now that thought will have to go by the wayside, the same as the thoughts where I wake up in the morning and think I'm going to uni and gonna see my friends.
I've got friends formally making a point of journaling their covid-related experiences, and here I am regretting that I wanted to write something every day this year, ha. I really hope I have less gloomy things to talk about soon.
Soon, maybe even tomorrow, I won't have that reflexive moment of "okay, my regular day is about to start" and that is even harder. Soon I'll get used to this, and I can't decide if I welcome the lack of this sting or dread the resignation it indicates. I'm probably still in some element of denial of how long-term this is going to be. Because I've had what's, if not a normal day for me at least an entirely familiar kindof day. It's usually internally driven by my depression but today I learned it's possible for it to be artificially induced too.
I am an object lesson in the usefulness of all this advice we keep reading about staying busy, keeping a routine, getting out of your pajamas, eating healthy, getting fresh air and exercise as much as possible, etc.etc., because I have done none of those things and I feel like shit for it. I've done none of my uni work, nothing off my to-do list from yesterday except talk to L about work (and that was partly because he instigated it; to be fair I had tried to start writing a message but couldn't find the words before he got in touch with me instead).
He started by asking if Andrew or I were in the high-risk group, and when I said Andrew is he said he's going to tell the accountant to pt me on sick pay. I forgot that was a thing; usually if I'm sick I just don't work (my contract is technically a zero-hours one, though it does also have provision for holiday pay and stuff). I don't know how the sick pay works but if it's based off anything like what I've worked recently it's only going to be a couple hours a week. I've never been in this job for the money, always for my friend who needs help. But even a handful of extra quid a week is better than nothing. For now Andrew's Patreon is still increasing, but I'm keenly aware that his income depends entirely on other people having disposable income, so that's not a comfortable position to be in when so many jobs are at risk and the future is so uncertain.
Anyway, the only sensible thing I did other than talk about work was keep in touch with people.
lilysea and I had a nice long chat, my friend Katie rang me, and I've been touched by the comments left on my last post and by how busy my DW reading page has been today (and diligent people have been in cut-tagging! it turns out I've read almost or maybe everything behind them, but only because I was able to carefully manage how I was taking them in).I did get out a bit, but not as much or as early in the day as I'd hoped. We genuinely do need toilet paper and there wasn't any even in the two little local shops nearest my house, so discovering that made a depressing trip outside. I wanted peanut butter too but wasn't going to wait in the massive queue just for that.
I have the odd day like this but in the back of my mind I can feel myself kinda thinking "okay so this one's a write-off but tomorrow will be better!" Because usually I'm not this lethargic and detached from my responsibilities for more than a day at a time. But now that thought will have to go by the wayside, the same as the thoughts where I wake up in the morning and think I'm going to uni and gonna see my friends.
I've got friends formally making a point of journaling their covid-related experiences, and here I am regretting that I wanted to write something every day this year, ha. I really hope I have less gloomy things to talk about soon.