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[cosmolinguist]

Ugh I was so tired it was actually making me upset and then I had to Skype with my parents.

Em J came around to assemble the Ikea storage furniture I'd been gifted. I'd misunderstood the size of it so it doesn't fit where I'd planned to put it. It's bigger which should be great -- we have more than enough stuff to fill it -- but it doesn't fit anywhere. Our house is small and weirdly shaped, and full of stuff. Our house is cluttered and disorganized and I keep losing things. Our house is full of secondhand furniture, not chosen or planned but juggled and worked around.

Everything has been a bit like that lately. diffrentcolours has encouraged me to get my bike tuned up after years of sad neglect, and Stuart has said he'll do it for me, but it's still locked up in our back garden because I can't find the key. What happened to all my bike stuff? What happened to me being a person who needed a bike helmet and lights? Goddammit.

It's difficult not to tell myself see, trying to improve things just makes them worse. You're happier when you've given up. It doesn't hurt as much then. This is deeply depressive thinking, and I wish that knowing that meant I was any closer to being able to deal with it.

Oh, the Skype call featured my mom telling me that her best friend has a new type of cancer (some kind of blood or bone marrow thing that people get who've had a lot of chemo, which of course she had for the cancer that she's barely recovered from). Mom is really worried about her. Her husband is likely to have to go into a care home because he's seriously ill now and if she isn't able to look after him during her treatment, there isn't any other option.

Also the chemo my grandma has been taking for years isn't managing her leukemia as well as it used to apparently, she's getting more side effects that indicate that and she's going to have to be moved to another med that's likely to be less effective.

Comments

[kaberett]

I bear witness.

[jesse_the_k]

Ugh. Sending sympathy.

[miss_s_b]

I love you. And I will see you on Saturday. And we can have not-stressy times.

[cosmolinguist]

I'm really looking forward to seeing you. :) Been telling everybody that. I love you too.

[barakta]

Too many exhausting and difficult things. Sending you love and strength.

[diffrentcolours]

You had a problem before - you needed to get your bike sorted. Now you have a different problem - you need to either find the key or break and replace the lock. Sure there are other things going on with the bike, but they can wait until you solve the immediate problem. Nothing has been made worse, you just have a different problem to solve now x

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah, I know it'll be okay, I know I can deal with the new problem. Just need to summon some spoons first, somehow. It will always be like this is another giveaway thought for me that I'm being really depressive, so I catch myself thinking it now and realize that it will not in fact always be this bad. It really does feel like it now, but I know it won't be x

[rmc28]

My brother and I started calling these situations "quests" or "side-quests" as feels appropriate. Half joking, half recognising that "no actually this takes effort damnit".

[diffrentcolours]

That's a good way of phrasing it - the other one I'm used to is "yak shaving", when you end up doing something that seems completely unrelated to the original task but somehow is a dependency thereof.

[rmc28]

All the sympathy for too much going on.

I read this / Hanging on in there

[softfruit]

It gets better different.

Re: I read this / Hanging on in there

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah. Already a little different today. I'll take it.

[worlds_of_smoke]

♥