[189/365] ring theory

[cosmolinguist]

Today I've been thinking a lot about the Ring Theory.

I can't link to the original article, because it's in an L.A. Times article and the L.A. Times is intensely uninterested in complying with European GDPR legislation, but here's an article that talks about it (and links to if anyone who can does want to read the original):

It’s a theory to help yourself know what to do in a crisis. If the crisis is happening to you, you’re in the center of the ring. If the crisis is not happening to you, you’re in one of the outer circles.

Here are the basic tenets paraphrased from Silk and Goodman’s article:

Draw a circle. In this circle, write the name of the person at the center of the crisis.

Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In this ring, put the name of the person next closest to the crisis.

In each larger ring, put the next closest people. As Silk and Goodman state, “Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones.”

The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, ‘Life is unfair’ and ‘Why me?’ That's the one payoff for being in the center ring.

Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.

When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help. Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you're going to open your mouth, ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort and support. If it isn't, don't say it. Don't, for example, give advice. People who are suffering from trauma don't need advice. They need comfort and support. So say, "I'm sorry" or "This must really be hard for you" or "Can I bring you a pot roast?" Don't say, "You should hear what happened to me" or "Here's what I would do if I were you." And don't say, "This is really bringing me down."

If you want to scream or cry or complain, if you want to tell someone how shocked you are or how icky you feel, or whine about how it reminds you of all the terrible things that have happened to you lately, that's fine. It's a perfectly normal response. Just do it to someone in a bigger ring.

"Comfort in, dump out.”

Andrew's dad has found himself at the center of such a circle. He spent a couple of days in the hospital over the weekend after he had a stroke. In the next circle are Andrew's mum and one of his sisters -- the one who's nearby, and reliable, and sensible, and tasked with communicating with everyone else, mediating between her dad and the rest of their big family, coordinating messages and doing things like picking Andrew and I up from the train station.

Andrew's in a bigger circle, and I'm in the one bigger than that, basically the furthest out. Andrew and I did see his dad today, for a bit when he felt up to it later in the day, but we spent most of our time with his sister and mum. We spent it largely trying to comfort his sister and let her fret and catastrophize at us. When we had a second to ourselves I'd check with Andrew that he was all right (he is) because I was aware that, fond as I am of his dad, I'm in a circle further out and I'm there partly to support him.

Everybody is feeling bad about their reactions: their dad about wanting time on his own to catch up on sleep and to process his new reality, Andrew's sister for dumping out to the likes of her mum and Andrew at all... But despite Andrew being the only one of them who explicitly knows about this "Ring Theory," they're all pretty much acting in accord with it. They're just feeling bad about it. (Sadly, a lot of other people are Very Bad at it. There's a lot of dumping in, which would be especially bad when dealing with a health problem like this which can be exacerbated by stress.)

And watching Andrew's sister made me think a lot about how gendered emotional labor is, how the tasks and responsibilities falling to her always end up in the women of the family in my experience. And I keep thinking about how neurotypical conventions can really tangle us up at times like this: there's a lot of "people trying to guess other people's reactions and pre-emptively manage them on that basis" going on at the expense of honest communication, and that sort of thing. It's exhausting and stressful and I just wish it could be avoided.

Andrew and I left the house at 9:30 this morning, and got back about 8 tonight. I have to get to work early tomorrow and, in a rather drastic departure from my usual PA tasks of housework, food prep, personal care and maybe going to Tesco, the plan is for me to support my employer on a day trip to London. I reckon it'll be a 12-hour workday, which is a lot considering I usually work about two hours a day. So I think it's definitely time for bed.

Comments

[theandrewhickey]

"And I keep thinking about how neurotypical conventions can really tangle us up at times like this: there's a lot of "people trying to guess other people's reactions and pre-emptively manage them on that basis" going on at the expense of honest communication, and that sort of thing. "

So. Much. This. He says after having spent the hour and a half since Holly posted this on the phone to one or other sister, mostly interpreting for them what the other one is actually saying...

(If anyone's worried, Dad's about as OK as you can be after having what appears to have been a fairly major stroke (he's had TIAs before, this was a proper haemmorage). He's ambulatory, he's unchanged in personality, and basically he's presenting the same way he has on days when I've seen him when he's had to get up at 3AM, worked a sixteen-hour day, and then had a few cans of lager to wind down -- a little slurry, a little aphasic, a little irritable, spacing out a bit, and extremely tired. I've been around a fair few stroke patients in my time, and he's in as little distress as one could hope for.)

[barakta]

Fingers crossed your dad will make a full or close to full recovery and get all the help he needs to recover and rehab and so on. That's a pretty good sign for so soon post "incident".

Hope you get the support you need to do the supporting you need to do.

[ivy]

More best wishes for all y'all and your family; that sounds incredibly stressful, and I'm glad that it's not worse.

[barakta]

I am sorry to hear about Andrew's dad, even if things are "better than the worst" emergency hospitaling is IMMENSELY fucking stressful all round. I am glad people are mostly staying in their rings even if they feel bad. I hope they feel less bad soon and Andrew and yourself get some spoons/breathing/sanity spaces as needed.

I love the ring theory. I introduced my mum to it when a very old friend accidentally dumped in on my mum by outsourcing "support" to Mum to another different inner-ring person which Mum didn't have spoons or sanity for... Mum was also very angry/hurt with old-friend for being so thoughtless (thinking only of other inner ring person and not my mum's needs) and the ring theory helped her model that and decide what to do (in the end nothing, cos reasons) and work out who her outer ring people were to dump out on so she could process and deal. Mum sent it to Julia who is best person in the world and it means they can now talk to one another in ring terms or if needed prod one another if they think one another are ring-failing a bit which is a kind way to call-in without judginess...

[silveradept]

That sounds exhausting for everyone involved.

[alatefeline]

*hugs offered*

As someone in your next circle out, you are doing a good job and I am sorry this difficult health situation has happened to someone you care about. And also that genderstuff and ableism and guilt and miscommunication make it harder for people to cope, because sheesh. And you are awesome. Rest well.

[ludy]

Thoughts for Andrew's Dad and all his supporting rings