autonomy

[cosmolinguist]

I realized that one of the things I'm finding really strange, in the absolute sea of strangeness that I've pushed myself into, is that yes I have fearsome tasks of bureaucracy and logistics and finances ahead of me. But...that's all. I can definitely do this. I can decide to do it and say that I'm doing it and that's all it takes, in a way.

I'm so used to immigration stuff and benefits stuff where the things I want, the things that are good or healthy for me, the things that reflect my choices or my autonomy, could be taken away from me at any point or never granted to me in the first place.

So I keep feeling -- not thinking, but feeling -- that surely someone has to approve of my decision, surely I have to wait and see if some authority greater than me will allow it. But...no, not really. England isn't enlightened enough to have no-fault divorce so I guess someone technically does have to decide that my reasons are good enough, but that's nowhere near as big as the kinds of things that I'm used to looming over me, determining my future.

It's a very weird feeling to not have that. I'm doing the emotional equivalent of looking over my shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I actually feel kinda lonely that there's no one there waiting to fuck me up, heh. You mean it's just me, I'm enough?

It's kinda freaky that I've gotten to be thirty-nine and still have this idea that me wanting something is nowhere near enough of a reason to make it happen.

Comments

[barakta]

I'm sorry we don't have no fault divorce and benefits/immigration are horrifically hostile. Everyone deserves to have these sorts of things without fuckery.

[cosmolinguist]

England and Wales did bring no-fault divorce in early 2022, which handily lined up with about the time Andrew and I were ready to do the paperwork for it (because I'd been advised to sort out the financial stuff before the divorce was finalized).

[silveradept]

Given how much of life is very much waiting for someone to give approval, or having to supplicate someone to give approval, or having to do things that someone with more power demands of you, whether you want to do them or not, you get conditioned to the idea that there is always someone with more power who has to approve of what you're doing, whether they're corporeal or celestial.

I know this isn't the point, but

[sparrowsion]

Is there some specific meaning to "no fault divorce" here that isn't covered by "by mutual consent"? (Like, not having to have a petitioner and respondant? Or somehow having it pass without having to be rubberstamped by a court?)

Re: I know this isn't the point, but

[cosmolinguist]

No, no special meaning.

Re: I know this isn't the point, but

[sparrowsion]

So England and Wales have had no fault divorce since 1969, which caused a massive uptick in divorce, although you had to prove separation before 2020. Which would explain why things were so smooth for our 2022 divorce (proceedings started 2021 after separation in 2019, decree final delayed by having to wrestle a financial order through the courts, which was not smooth)

I suppose the point here is that was still having to prove separation to the satisfaction of some arbitrary judge (who may or may not read your submission correctly, like the one sitting on our financial order) rather than your word being sufficient.