[98/366] taking stock

[cosmolinguist]

Yesterday I got an email from the two lecturers teaching one of my classes. It's the "we haven't heard from you in two weeks and we need to hear your proposal for a final essay topic."

I've basically been in lockdown for three weeks already now and, yeah, I haven't been able to interact with or accomplish any uni stuff at all in that time. I know this is bad. The email was gentle and kind but made it clear that the final deadline remains the same, something the School-wide and uni-wide emails have also stressed.

It's been almost a day and I still haven't replied. I know I need to, if nothing else to tell them I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I'm stuck on what to say, though. I'm stuck on everything. I haven't even looked at the details of the essay, much less picked a subject and a reading list. A kind friend has given me example words to say and I can't even think about those (where normally I'd be either "yep, that's fine" or "no, I want this!" and be able to change them). Now I'm all "What are words, how do I even do them." It's no fun; usually I'm great at words so I don't know how to manage not being able to express myself (even to myself, like by making a list of the things I need to do and the steps I can break the tasks into).

I was saying at the end of February, "I'm really worried that I'm at end-of-the-semeseter levels of apathy and detachment when it's not even halfway through the semester." Suffice to say that another month and change has not improved that situation! I'm still utterly determined to write my essays and graduate of course, but I'm also very fatalistic about it, unfortunately: what's the point when my chances of getting a job, which already worried me, are surely lower now that places will be that much less likely to be worrying about hiring now that they're all busy trying to make and get used to a new normal of working from home and whatnot. I realized the other day, reading yet another uni e-mail that needed to address what's happening for all the different year cohorts, that part of me really wishes I wasn't finishing uni now, I wish I had all the support and structure that first- and second-year students are getting.

Being on Easter break now has really driven home how even the structure of lectures and seminars online, even to the minimal degree I was able to engage with them, was really important for me not totally falling out of any kind of routine. We only have a couple more weeks of anything like teaching and then the essays are all due and that's basically it for me. I'm scared of the prospect of no job to replace that -- not just financially (but also that!) but in terms of how I spend my days in this bleak lonely time.

On this subject, I've got an e-mail from the careers people that I want to respond to. They've been very friendly and reasonably helpful to me so far (though this particular e-mail seems to have confused me with someone else! Both alarmingly and then amusingly, it includes "...the nature of your query (in your case it would be careers in the USA, searching for jobs abroad and visa sponsorship)." Good lord am I glad I don't have to worry about any of that shit!) I need to remind them of my actual concerns -- both the pre-existing ones (in Manchester, extremely understanding about my mental illness and my being a carer for Andrew) and the new covid-related ones.

It all feels too big to manage, though. I've tried being really patient with myself and not berating myself for being so non-functional, but like I said that just leaves me with apathy and detachment while the deadlines get closer all the time.

Comments

[angelofthenorth]

Hugs.

Can I help in any way?

[davidgillon]

The email was gentle and kind but made it clear that the final deadline remains the same, something the School-wide and uni-wide emails have also stressed.

OTOH the Equality Act makes it clear that reasonable adjustments must be made on an individual basis, based on individual circumstances. And if your MH is getting in the way of being able to work on you essays, particularly in the unpredictable circumstances of the current situation, then that's something they need to consider and respond to.

[sfred]

I'm sorry it's so hard. <3

[barakta]

Sorry it is so hard. I can completely understand. Good luck sorting things as best as you can. Sending love and good thoughts to you.

[otter]

Sending gentle hugs.

[silveradept]

That sounds very difficult.

Is this an "if you have advice, I would like to hear it" state or a "your advice could be perfect and until I can get my mental state to change, it will be useless and upsetting" state?