I'm tense and nervous and I can't relax

[cosmolinguist]

I could barely do the morning chores I usually feel neutral-to-positive about this morning -- I open the curtains, unload the dishwasher, make a pot of tea, get breakfast for myself... Things that are always the same and always different. It can be very grounding.

Today I wasn't especially tired and I wasn't in pain or anything, I just didn't want to. I couldn't imagine doing the first tiniest step.

This is a sign of burnout. I need a break. I was telling my counselor this evening that a break for me has to be somewhere away from my house, because my house is full of reminders of chores I need to do, things that get on my nerves, etc. I am not good at relaxing, but when I can do it it doesn't tend to happen at home.

I did an okay amount of work today but near the end of the day I was in this focus group about "inclusion" in our workplace. These things can be kinda therapeutic but by the end I was thinking that we keep having surveys and stuff like this, where we tell some nice external person all our woes and we're assured that the feedback is anonymized into themes that cannot identify us, but all that means is our specific nuanced articulations all get flattened in to "we all have good colleagues who care about their work but the executive team keep letting us down," and we're going to get the same kind of response from said executive team about how impressed they are at everyone's honesty and how committed they are to addressing these themes, and then we'll do this all over again in a year or two.

I felt really tired by the end of it, which wasn't great because it was almost time for my first counseling session in almost a month. A real "let me explain, no there is too much let me sum up" kind of situation.

My counseling happens on the phone and usually in my bedroom; I normally come right back downstairs in search of dinner, but this time I just lay on my bed for something ridiculous like an hour. I kept trying to get up and go back downstairs but again: so many steps. And it was relatively peaceful just lying there.

Since I had to come downstairs and try to eat dinner I'm feeling more depersonalization, so maybe all of this has been more stressful or triggery than I realized. I hate feeling like this; is probably the most uncomfortable symptom of my anxiety/depression.

Comments

[otter]

That's really difficult to deal with. I can relate. When such things happen to me, I try to tell myself "tomorrow will be different". and then hope to plan a real break/vacation/recovery period.

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah after I wrote this I gave up on today and went to bed haha. I've lit a candle in my room and put on some soft lights and music that I like but don't have to pay much attention to. The scent of the candle in particular I find really soothing when I'm like this, but it helps to just give myself a lot of nice sensory experiences when I need to get to sleep after a day like this.

[otter]

love you

[cosmolinguist]

love you too :)

[haggis]

I am sorry, that sounds really hard. I don't get quite the same thing but that feeling of being stuck is miserable.

[angelofthenorth]

Sounds like you need a retreat or similar

[cosmolinguist]

Yeah actually that does sound exactly like what I need! What's a retreat for atheists? :)

[angelofthenorth]

https://bookretreats.com/s/other-retreats/non-religious-retreats


They exist.

[barakta]

I relate hard to the workplace bullshit and am sorry you have so much other stressors.

Hoping you can rejig this episode and get some planned away breaks to recuperate some more as well.

Sending much love to you.

[zhelana]

if it doesn't add too much to an already overcrowded plate, I read a great book on dealing with burnout last year that I think was helpful.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/185034564-the-cure-for-burnout

[silveradept]

That's a tough situation, especially when the way of getting away from it is getting away from it.

I hope you get an extended break from it all soon.