What a day

[cosmolinguist]

I woke myself up about an hour and a half before my alarm with a splitting headache and chest pain so bad I couldn't breathe properly.

(I'd actually incorporated the chest pain in to the dream I was having, always a great sign.)

I was just about able to make myself sit up and it went away quickly. I was sure right away (once I stopped believing the inaccurate justification my dream made up for the chest pain) that it was anxiety induced, and that did seem to be the case; the headache felt like a blood pressure spike and almost all the chest pain faded reassuringly quickly.

No idea what that was about! The first thing I thought of when I was trying to figure this out was I actually thought yesterday went pretty okay! And I wasn't having a bad or even stressful dream; I was dreaming that D and I were doing some minor repairs on "our" shed (bigger than our real one, but it was ours in the dream and thus full of all the familiar "oh yeah that door has never worked quite right" and "this isn't ideal but we can bodge it for now" feelings I associate with homeownership...a remarkably dull dream, definitely not an anxious one!).

I do get chest pain and slight difficulty breathing with my anxiety on a regular but not frequent basis, and I've woken up with chest pain before, but nothing like this. Really weird but since it's never happened before I'm hoping it'll stay just One of Those Weird Things About Having a Body.

I didn't get back to sleep and I had a lot to do this morning so I soon got up. Got dressed, brushed teeth, went downstairs, started on chores and breakfast and work...

The day seemed pretty normal until V got up.

They found both of us downstairs and asked us to check our shoes.

For all I value the social model "people aren't disabled by their impairments"...Sometimes we are. Sometimes I just. don't. see things. And that can cause problems, for me and others!

It did this morning. V cleaned up what I'd unknowingly tracked all over upstairs. But it was rough on the spoon levels and mood of the whole household; D and I both felt bad for not noticing until V started their day with this unpleasant task.

I was proud of myself for not spiraling (it was close!), for sticking to a proportionate amount of frustration and keeping it aimed at the situation and not at my blindness.

It was hard not to spiral, I have decades of practice at it and I'm really good at it!

It helped that I could express these feelings to the others without getting toxic positivity in response too: It's okay to be disappointed and frustrated. It's okay to be mad at my visual impairment and the trouble it can cause sometimes.

And then, near the end of this mentally and emotionally draining time, I realized it was the (arbitrarily chosen, when I booked it!) time for my covid shot! So I went to do that (it was fine, I was brave about the needle!) and I can now add physical reasons to the list of why I want to go to bed at 7:30.

I really had to push myself to work this afternoon, but I'm glad I did. If I hadn't gotten as much done as I did eventually manage today, I'd have only given myself a lot more stress tomorrow, and I don't need that when Thursday will already be a stressful work day (I have to go to London to do a talk).

Comments

[angelofthenorth]

Hugs and well done for not spiralling

[sfred]

I hope today is better.

[forests_of_fire]

Yeah, I get really really bad chest pains with my panic attacks. I've also woken up out of a sleep in the middle of them. Sometimes it's the only symptom I get!

I had a full heart workup last year when I had one that was so bad I went to the ER because I thought I was having a heart attack. My heart is (relatively) healthy for my age and family history, so it's definitely anxiety and not heart-related stuff for me.

And good job on not spiraling! That can be so hard.